Why It's Important To Learn To Say No In Your 20s

One of the hardest things I've had to learn in my 20s is how to say no. I'm a people pleaser, there I said it. It's true, I want the people around me to be happy and jolly. I'm like Santa Claus on crack, addicted to good cheer. And in my mind the easiest way to keep people happy is to just say yes. Yes, yes, yes.

Can you stay a little later at work today? Yes. Will you come with me to so-and-so's party tonight, I don't want to go by myself? Yes. Can I borrow $50? Yes. Could you do me a favor? Yes. 

I'm a yes machine, and until very recently I thought that's why people valued me. I thought by saying yes, I was making people happy. What's the big deal? I'm just being nice, accommodating, kind. Those are good things to be, right? Sure, until you reach the very fine line where saying yes to someone else means saying no to you. 

How do you know if you're saying no to yourself? Ask yourself a few questions. Are you overwhelmed by your schedule? Have your commitments become a burden rather than a joy? Do you often feel obligated to do things you don't want to? 

If so, it's time to learn to say no.

 College was particularly taxing for me-- it's a people pleaser's worst nightmare. There is literally too much to do, a new social event for every hour. Mixers, hangouts, study sessions, parties, classes, concerts and of course the overwhelming fear you're going to miss out on the best ___________ (insert awesome thing) EVER if you stay in for a single night. 

And so what did I do? I joined the debate team at my professor's goading, went to dozens of crappy parties, took too many jobs that paid way too little, and lost sleep over obligations I didn't even care about. Sound familiar? Probably so, although I hope you were smarter (and cooler) than to join the debate team when you had never debated anything besides what outfit to wear. 

It wasn't until my senior year that I really started saying no. If there was a party I didn't care for, I stayed home, catching up on Glee and falling asleep at 10:30 happy as a clam. If someone asked me to volunteer for a cause I was not passionate about, I kindly declined. If an employer mistreated me (taking advantage of my time and kindness), I respectfully quit. It was both liberating and eye-opening. 

Saying no didn't turn me into a horrible person, it didn't stop people from liking me. In fact, most people respected my conviction to put myself first. By saying no, I wasn't being selfish, I was being honest. And most importantly by saying no to the cursory, I was able pursue the things I truly cared about. 

Saying no is a vital skill in your 20s, because people in almost every aspect of your life will try and take advantage of you simply because they think they can. Your boss will try and get you to do extra work without paying you for it. Your boyfriend/girlfriend will ask things of you they would never ask of themselves. Your friends will forget you have things to do besides run their errands. And the trickiest part is, most of the time, people aren't purposefully trying to manipulate you. They aren't out to get you or overwhelm you. The fact that they want to spend time with you means they value you.

However because they are not you, they don't know what your schedule looks like, and that is why it is your job to know the difference between a necessity and a request. If someone really needs you, then help them out. But if they are simply making a request for your time/skills/etc... know that you can say no. 

In the end saying no has nothing to do with whether you're a nice person or not. The simple truth is if someone only values you because you say yes to their every beck and call, then they're not someone you should have in your life, personally or professionally. Learn to say no now, so you can spend the rest of your time saying yes to the things that matter.

What are some tactics you've employed in learning to say no? Share in the comments below. 

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